Posts Tagged ‘self-help’

20140612-161228-58348283.jpg. Self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s the concept in which one has either a positive or negative expectation about circumstances, events, or other people and that the very expectation one has causes the exact behavior that allows those expectations to be fulfilled.

In the service industry, self-fulfilling prophecies are everywhere…most commonly, a server who has waited on a certain customer before and had been tipped badly, so the next time they come in, they tell the server who is waiting on them that they’re bad tippers, and voila! That server doesn’t give them good service and they don’t get a good tip!

Don’t pay attention to these claims! I had this happen time and time again, and each time I did, my thought process was, “They’re not bad tippers, they just tipped YOU badly” and I’ll show that server my 20-30% tip after the customer received great, genuine service. People will PAY for VALUE received.

What self-fulfilling prophecy are you telling yourself ABOUT yourself? And most importantly…listening to about yourself??? Most get “stuck” because they listen to their own voices of the past, and those voices continually reinforce this prophecy that things will never be better, so why even try?
Decide that in order for you to realize value, you need to value yourself, and that you need to PROVIDE value TO yourself. Read good books, not the fad fiction of today. Listen to audios. Read the Bible. Exercise. Take time out of the day for you. Meditate. Pamper yourself with a professional massage. A pedicure. Take action today towards something you want. The big thing you want tomorrow can be reduced to a small action that can be done today. See yourself TIPPING you abundantly. What kind of service would you provide yourself if you KNEW you would receive a good tip from yourself?

depressedAt times, we may get into a state where we just feel stuck. A state where no matter how positive our outlook is, the blows keep on coming. It can get exhausting. The truth is, none of us are immune from problems. Life happens to everyone, it’s how we react to life that will determine the quality of it. Easier said than done, I know. Car break down at the most inopportune time? You’re working overtime busting your butt trying to pay the bills but they don’t seem like they’re going anywhere, possibly even getting worse? It’s easy to want to feel like no matter what you do, it’s not worth it.

This post is not to cram some positive thinking hodge podge down your throat. I’m not going to do that because I know that no matter what I say to you about telling you to do something or to think something, it’s not going to work. I will however challenge you to think differently. I will challenge you to think about the process, the process moving from a current struggle in your life THROUGH it to where you want to be. It’s to get you UN-STUCK.

So why do some people achieve success and why do others seem to get stuck? Why do some people quit trying to achieve a goal while others achieve them so easily? Why do people quit in the face of adversity? The number one reason why people quit doing the things they want is simply because they fear being uncomfortable. They don’t understand that there is going to be some sweat equity involved. They don’t understand that in order to have something you’ve never had, you have to do things you’ve never done. Most people are simply afraid to step out of their comfort zone. Also, successful people (I’m referring to successful people as those that have achieved what they’ve set out to) have adopted a framework, a process that makes the goal real and achievable.

Loving-Couple-Photography-19The first thing you can do is to create a compelling future for the thing that you want to do. This is simply a reason, a feeling that is generated by the action that you want to create. This should be a statement that actually draws you TOWARDS the goal, not keeps you where you’re at. If you want to lose weight you shouldn’t say, “I want to lose weight because I’m fat.” Can you feel how big of a drag that is? There’s no compelling future there, only a compelling thought that you want to go plant your ass back on the couch! Instead, ask yourself how would it feel for you to lose weight? What would it look like to you? How would your spouse feel about you losing weight? How would you feel about the way your spouse feels about you losing weight? Would you feel happy? Would you feel more energetic? Would you be more hopeful? See how this creates positive emotion inside you and how it generates excitement for you to act? A lot different than the opposite, right?

Secondly, MATCH AND MODEL. Find the tools that will get you to where you want to go. Seek advice from people who have done what you want to do. If you want to lose weight, obviously you’d want to get a gym membership and maybe even enlist the help of a personal trainer…at the very least, learn different exercises and how the machines work, talk to a nutritionist and learn about what to eat and what to stay away from. Find people who have done what you want to do and do what they’ve done. Now, if the personal trainer and the nutritionist are overweight and out of shape, should you listen to them? Probably not!!! If you want advice about how to have a healthy relationship, should you take advice from people who have had multiple divorces? Probably not! Find someone that has what you want. Find out WHAT they did to achieve those results. Do EXACTLY what they did to get those results, and guess what. You’ll achieve the very same results. This example may be a little outdated since most refrigerators these days come standard with ice-makers, but we all remember filling up ice cube trays and throwing them in the freezer, right? Think about how UNCONSCIOUS we were at doing that. Did we ever stop and think one time, “I dunno…maybe this time it may not work…” NO! Of course not! A long time ago, someone discovered that if you have temperatures that are less than 32 degrees Fahrenheit, you can create ice cubes by putting water in this little plastic contraption with little dividers in it that look like squares!

There is one more aspect, and that is the freedom of, or acting despite inner conflict. If you have a compelling future, if you have the tools and have found who to match and model, but you don’t believe you deserve the success you may achieve, do you think you’ll be motivated to achieve it? If you have a compelling future and have the tools and found someone to match and model, but you still don’t believe you can achieve it, do you think you will? Probably not. It is ESSENTIAL for one to be free of personal conflict. You must believe you deserve and you must believe that you can. OR, find a mentor, a close friend that will push you so that you can borrow THEIR belief in you until you develop it yourself. This is acting despite inner conflict. Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” Back to the compelling future! Is your goal more important that the pain you may experience or the fear that you’re experiencing now? It should be. There may be other inner conflicts one may experience as well. This could be resentment of others, regret for past actions/choices, guilt for previous actions/choices, among others. I’ll agree with you…just those three last conflicts I listed are tough to overcome. They require deep soul-searching. The good news is that you can DECIDE to live your life differently starting TODAY that you have up until now. YOUR PAST DOES NOT DICTATE YOUR FUTURE.

I’m a Christian. I’m not here to push my beliefs on you, but it’s where I draw a considerable amount of my strength from. My beliefs are my beliefs. I believe that we were created in God’s image. I believe that we were created with greatness and we all have God-given abilities to do anything we want to do. Its just up to us to learn where to find them and how to use them. I also believe that God wants us to live in abundance. Not just in terms of abundance of money, but abundance of health, abundance of love, abundance of friendships, abundance of DREAMS! I believe that God put dreams in our heart not to torment us, but so that we pursue them! Our dreams are most often our purpose! A lot of people will say that what they have currently in their life is good enough. It could be a great marriage, healthy children, a secure job…that’s all fine. That’s okay. But appreciation for what you have is different than a dream that is untapped. Remember when you were a child, an adolescent. We all spoke with conviction about how we thought our lives would look like later in life. We were CERTAIN. Remember it. What did you tell your parents your life would look like? What did you tell your friends you would be doing? Is that the way life is looking for you currently? Most often with most people it isn’t. This creates an inner conflict. Achievement of our dreams is where one finds personal fulfillment. Pursuing your dream gives others permission to achieve theirs! One of the greatest speakers of our time Mr. Les Brown once said, “The graveyard is the richest place on earth, because it is here that you will find all the hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled, the books that were never written, the songs that were never sung, the inventions that were never shared, the cures that were never discovered, all because someone was too afraid to take that first step, keep with the problem, or determined to carry out their dream.” You’ll be amazed at the results you can achieve when you act with faith, belief, and conviction of your dreams.

“The man who thinks he can and the man who thinks he can’t are both right. Which one are you?” – Henry Ford

If you are currently seeking answers, if you are currently looking for a way for you to get “un-stuck” via a proven system for success, please read my story about how I turned my Mess Into A Message.

In a follow up to my last post, I stumbled upon one of my favorite discussions of Les Brown. I had first seen this over a year ago.

We all may not know what we want to do in life, what our goals are, what are dreams are….but we all know when we get that icky feeling deep down inside when we’re doing something that we KNOW isn’t what we want to do. In this video, Les talks about how we need to stop playing it safe. He says, “If you go through life being casual, you’ll end up a casuality.” You see, my passion in life has sprung out of the lowest low of my life. I know first hand what work-related stress can do to someone physically and mentally. Stress is the number one cause for heart disease, which in fact, is the number one cause of death amongst Americans today. Life is too short to creep through life…find your passion and pursue it wholeheartedly. It can actually EXTEND your life.

“The majority of people suffer their first major heart attack on Monday morning, between 8 am and 9 am, people getting ready to go to jobs that they don’t like. Jobs that are making them sick. You see, when you’re not pursuing your goal, you are literally comitting spiritual suicide. When you have some goal out here that you’re stretching for and reaching for that takes you out of your comfort zone, you’ll find out some talents and abilities that you didn’t know you had!” -Les Brown

What are you passions? Go for them!

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We live in a world where we have big dreams of what we want to be growing up.

We live in a world where way too often people have no problem telling us that our dreams are crazy.

We live in a world where being a “dreamer” has negative connotations. That being a “dreamer” means to not be living in reality.

Because society has made up the rules of how life should be lived, too often our dreams go by the wayside.

For me, that meant giving up everything I wanted to do in life to try to fit in to what society said was appropriate.

I’m not against the idea of hard work, but giving all of your heart, time, and passion 50-70 hours a week doesn’t leave a lot of time to chase a dream.

We all fall into the trap.

When you know that what you’re doing isn’t going to produce the results that you want, when you know what you’re doing isn’t your passion, you can feel it. It tugs at your heart strings. You get that knot in your stomach. That feeling of emptiness. The beginnings of hatred against your job.

At the end, it meant losing my mind.

It meant walking away from a career that “others” told me was the best thing that ever happened to me.

It meant not the end, it meant the beginning. The beginning of the rest of my life.

It meant having my moment with God. It meant letting go of all of the anger, regret, and resentment….all of the jealousy, what if’s, and should have’s.

It meant receiving a chance.

It meant asking myself, “What’s next?”

I remember sitting there on my mother’s couch like it was yesterday. This was the same couch that I had made into my bed for the previous 60 days up until then. The same couch that I had done nothing but sit and stare aimlessly into the television while I smoked two packs a day. Up until that point, I thought it was too late for me to live my dreams. I thought life had passed me by. I BELIEVED there was nothing left for me.

I remember sitting at the Thanksgiving Day table. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. A day to see family, have great food, watch football. Normally, it would be me screaming, “Hey…pass the turkey!” but on this day, it was me whispering, “Um, can you please pass the potatoes?”
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I remember sitting there thinking to myself “What the hell am I doing? Why am I beating myself up so bad?”

You see I have learned in one main thing over the last couple of years. To not listen to the opinions of others especially if they do not have to live to the results. I’m not a master at this statement by any stretch of the imagination, YET, anyway. But at that moment I realized that I had spent so much of my life listening to what other people thought was best for me. Giving up so much of what I wanted to do in life because people thought what I was doing was stupid, or crazy, or impossible. At that moment, it was engrained in me that it was time for me to stop living my life like that.

And the first thing I did? I went into the kitchen, YouTubed the most popular song on the radio at the time, and started singing along. It was Cee-lo’s “F#$k You.”

Man did it feel great. Singing had always been a passion of mine and it still is. I remember as a child making up melodies and words to those melodies and singing them on the front porch for all to hear. Ha…it makes me laugh out loud just writing about it. I hear this all too often from people who overcome depression – remembering a passion from their childhood and doing it.

I grew up taking keyboarding lessons. Gave that up in sixth grade. On two occasions since then, I bought keyboards that just sat in the house like a treadmill gathers clothes and eventually got thrown out because there wasn’t time in the day to play it.

After I had my singing marathon, I started reconnecting. Reconnecting with all of the people that life had gotten in the way of. Everyone has these people in their life. The people where we run into that we hadn’t seen in years and always promise to each other that we’ll make plans to meet up but it never happens. It felt good to be alive.

Then I began writing down what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. My first passion – singing – I thought it would be a great idea since I love singing karaoke, to start my own entertainment company. Then, I heard something that changed my life. “Turn your mess into your message.”

I realized that I wasn’t the only one in the history of the world that has suffered from anxiety and depression. If I could overcome it, so could others and I wanted more than anything in the world…to help. If I could share my experiences, my thought processes during and after, maybe…just maybe….it may help one person. If I did that, then I’ve done my job. It also meant me being a better person, better than I ever was.

I began sharing my story with people I hadn’t seen in years. People began sharing their stories back to me. I was connecting with friends in a way that I hadn’t ever in my life. People were thanking me for giving them hope.

There also were a lot of people who weren’t used to this person, the person I turned into. People were still used to the person they knew. When sharing my story with others, people would say that it sounded like I was throwing a pity party for myself. People would say that Rich is changing, and they would say it in a way that wasn’t positive.

I held an event Cinco de Mayo 2011 in an effort to raise money for my high school and for the local community center. It was going to be a tall task to get it organized and for it to be successful, but I was up for it. Even if it didn’t produce the results I hoped, at least I knew that I would give it my all. In sales I learned “If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.” The same applies for trying new things. You can’t get anything done if you don’t try first.

The event from the outside looking in was a disaster. Out of a necessary 1800 needed, about 150 people showed up. We didn’t raise nearly the amount of money we needed to. But in my eyes, it was an overwhelming success. See, most people looked at what I was trying to do and told me that it was a stupid idea, it would never work, and I heard some very negative things from people I thought were my good friends about how it was stupid for me to try something like that. In fact, while the event was happening, I could see right across the street a bunch of my friends that had gathered. They probably saw from afar that the event wasn’t going to be a success, but instead of standing in support with me on my side of the street, they laughed from across it.

Do you think that a married couple would stop a ceremony because they saw that one person didn’t show up that said that they were going to be there? Then why should you stop your dreams and your aspirations if ONE PERSON in your life says that what you want to do is stupid??? DO IT!

These people are called DreamStealers. Some are more direct and harsh, which should be the type you desire because at least you can see them coming. These are the ones that will tell you directly to your face what you’re doing is stupid. But then there are the ones that sneak up on you. The ones that you think that they have your back but they smile to your face and talk about you behind your back. OR, they can be people who genuinely care about you and want to look out for you, and because they fully don’t understand what you’re doing, they try to persuade you to stop doing what you’re doing.

All that matters is your dream. Keep going after it. What I really want to say is that there will be times where you get one of these DreamStealers who sneak up on you…and it sucks. That pit comes back to your stomach. Where you get that feeling of emptiness. You need to be strong. To be resolute that your dream is YOURS. It’s what you’re living for. It’s always been a passion in your life. Sure, you let it go for a short time, but now that you got it back you aren’t ever letting go.

Just sitting here thinking this morning, and I couldn’t stop wondering about all the things that we as a people want to do, not only for ourselves, but for society as a whole. I choose to believe that all people want to do the best for themselves, want the best for their friends, loved ones, family, etc, but what holds them back? I started throwing out a bunch of ideas, or what later I discovered were only excuses…and what I realized was that the “excuses” were stemming out of one emotion: Fear.

People won’t do ALOT of things because of fear:
-What if I can’t do it?
-What if it doesn’t work?
-What will people think of me?

What if fear was taken out of the equation? Watch what happens….
-What if I CAN do it, and I could do it better than anyone?
-What if it DOES work, and it works better than I could have ever imagined?
-People will think no matter what and it’s beyond my control, but at least I took a stand for MYSELF, and nobody can take that away.

See what happens when you’re no longer afraid? Things start happening. If we continually live our lives in fear, the status quo will always remain. If we don’t conquer our fears to change our situation, a situation where we live free of fear will never be experienced! Think about how fear affects us on a daily basis, with work, with investments, with our relationships, with friendships….so give yourself a chance with EVERYTHING in your life. Listen to a friend, give your bf/gf a kiss just because, put yourself out there without fear of what the response could be…you got a 50% shot the results are a positive one! 🙂